WWWWWWWWWIPE OUT!!!!!!! Hey this is not a test, this is e-mail radio (A strange concept, but nonetheless exciting!) coming at you live, well it was when I wrote it, from my bedroom. Due to technical difficulties, and the fact that I don't have the time, this can only be broadcast once a week, or twice if you're lucky. I've been away for a while working on my very own newly-formed Man Band, Beer Bellies Inc. The first release from our forthcoming debut album, "Love Handles" is out soon. And it's called "Just because there's snow on the roof, doesn't mean the fire's gone out".

What a year it was last year! The Americans spent millions of dollars bombing a country in order to get one man, and after all that he still got away. If you ask me it could have been done a lot cheaper. I mean, the Americans may be the most technologically advanced nation on the planet, but they're not the smartest, now are they? They spend millions of dollars, use their most advanced weapons to oust the Taliban government, who probably had to flip coins to decide who gets the few tanks and guns they own. And why use stealth technology to bomb their terrorist training camps? I mean it's not as though they were the most heavily fortified places in the world. Why not just sneak in at night and pull out all their tent pegs?

OK, you're listening to the silky smooth sounds of e-mail radio, of course you can't hear nothing, it's e-mail!. I'm your CJ (Computer Jockey) Ian the webman, brightening up your otherwise dull day. We'll play some more music soon, but first the news.

The inventors of the wonderdrug Viagra were today given an award for their remarkable achievement in bringing about the long awaited cure for the problem of the Wilting Willy. The award was presented in Amsterdam by Michael Winner. They were given a nine and a half hour standing ovation by the audience, which consisted mainly of over 80s.

Former Tory Prime Minister John Major found to really be Gerry Anderson's puppet hero Joe 90. In an astonishing confession, Margaret Thatcher revealed how, with the aid of her close friend Norma Major, she used the puppet to fool the general public into believing that she had retired and let a man back into office. Maggie wrote the speeches and Norma worked the puppet. Explains why he never spoke when she was drinking water. During their time together Norma and the puppet fell in love and they now plan to retire to a desert island where they can be free from all publicity.

And now the weather.

Hello. Today we will see……*********###############///////////////@@@@@
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ADJUST YOUR COMPUTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is Mohammed Bin Laden, your new leader!!!! I will be giving you the weather forecast today, sponsored in the name of Allah!!!!! Today the weather will start out nice and sunny, then a warm front will swing in from the Middle East, raining fire upon your land. YOUR COUNTRY WILL BURN, BURN, BURN!!!! YOUR PEOPLE WILL SUFFER TORTURE AND PAIN THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU HAVE NEVER KNOWN. THEN HAIL WILL FALL IN GIANT, VICIOUS STORMS. DEATH TO ENGLAND, DEATH TO ISRAEL. Allah is great!!!

Er, well… Thank you for that. Hey, hey, hey!! Your listening to e-mail radio and I'm your resident CJ Ian the webman. We're gonna be spinning some records your way in just a moment, but first here's a money saving tip from our sponsor McDonalds:
Always go to the toilet during work hours, because number 1: It saves on toilet roll at home, and number 2: You are also getting paid for it.

Alright, wise words there from our sponsor this week. It's time for me to sign off now, but I'll leave you with this absolute classic of a record. Never before have two such talents been united to make such a mind blowing piece of work, the likes of which will probably never be done again. This is a duet between Marcel Marcau and the Divine School of Mime artists, Miming in the USA. This will be followed by the Miming Underground Movement's latest dance hit, Stacking shelves on the nightshift. This is Ian the Webman signing off, and remember do what you feel but keep both feet on the wheel!