WWWWWWWWWIPE OUT!!!!!!! Hey this
is not a test, this is e-mail radio (A strange concept,
but nonetheless exciting!) coming at you live, well
it was when I wrote it, from my bedroom. Due to
technical difficulties, and the fact that I don't
have the time, this can only be broadcast once a
week, or twice if you're lucky. I've been away for
a while working on my very own newly-formed Man
Band, Beer Bellies Inc. The first release from our
forthcoming debut album, "Love Handles"
is out soon. And it's called "Just because
there's snow on the roof, doesn't mean the fire's
What a year it was last year! The
Americans spent millions of dollars bombing a country
in order to get one man, and after all that he still
got away. If you ask me it could have been done
a lot cheaper. I mean, the Americans may be the
most technologically advanced nation on the planet,
but they're not the smartest, now are they? They
spend millions of dollars, use their most advanced
weapons to oust the Taliban government, who probably
had to flip coins to decide who gets the few tanks
and guns they own. And why use stealth technology
to bomb their terrorist training camps? I mean it's
not as though they were the most heavily fortified
places in the world. Why not just sneak in at night
and pull out all their tent pegs?
OK, you're listening to the silky smooth sounds
of e-mail radio, of course you can't hear nothing,
it's e-mail!. I'm your CJ (Computer Jockey) Ian
the webman, brightening up your otherwise dull day.
We'll play some more music soon, but first the news.
The inventors of the wonderdrug
Viagra were today given an award for their remarkable
achievement in bringing about the long awaited cure
for the problem of the Wilting Willy. The award
was presented in Amsterdam by Michael Winner. They
were given a nine and a half hour standing ovation
by the audience, which consisted mainly of over
Former Tory Prime Minister John
Major found to really be Gerry Anderson's puppet
hero Joe 90. In an astonishing confession, Margaret
Thatcher revealed how, with the aid of her close
friend Norma Major, she used the puppet to fool
the general public into believing that she had retired
and let a man back into office. Maggie wrote the
speeches and Norma worked the puppet. Explains why
he never spoke when she was drinking water. During
their time together Norma and the puppet fell in
love and they now plan to retire to a desert island
where they can be free from all publicity.
And now the weather.
Hello. Today we will see
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ADJUST YOUR COMPUTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is Mohammed Bin Laden, your new leader!!!!
I will be giving you the weather forecast today,
sponsored in the name of Allah!!!!! Today the weather
will start out nice and sunny, then a warm front
will swing in from the Middle East, raining fire
upon your land. YOUR COUNTRY WILL BURN, BURN, BURN!!!!
YOUR PEOPLE WILL SUFFER TORTURE AND PAIN THE LIKES
OF WHICH YOU HAVE NEVER KNOWN. THEN HAIL WILL FALL
IN GIANT, VICIOUS STORMS. DEATH TO ENGLAND, DEATH
TO ISRAEL. Allah is great!!!
Thank you for that. Hey, hey, hey!!
Your listening to e-mail radio and I'm your resident
CJ Ian the webman. We're gonna be spinning some
records your way in just a moment, but first here's
a money saving tip from our sponsor McDonalds:
Always go to the toilet during work hours, because
number 1: It saves on toilet roll at home, and number
2: You are also getting paid for it.
wise words there from our sponsor this week. It's
time for me to sign off now, but I'll leave you
with this absolute classic of a record. Never before
have two such talents been united to make such a
mind blowing piece of work, the likes of which will
probably never be done again. This is a duet between
Marcel Marcau and the Divine School of Mime artists,
Miming in the USA. This will be followed by the
Miming Underground Movement's latest dance hit,
Stacking shelves on the nightshift. This is Ian
the Webman signing off, and remember do what you
feel but keep both feet on the wheel!